I'm Fine. I'm Ok. I'll Be Ok.
I’m fine. I’m ok. I’ll be ok.
It’s been a week, to say the least.
My supervisor yelled at
me for making an error in the final report, I ran out of mobile data for the
month, and my family dog of 12 years was put down due to the tumour that was growing
in her left cerebral cortex. Oh yeah, let’s not even mention the lousy date I
went on earlier this evening—my heel broke when I was walking home, and all I
could think about is how my date would have ranted about how “high-heels-are-the-death-of-modern-society-and-women-should-wear-more-conservative-shoes”.
Let’s just say it was a relief to get home and throw my aching
body into bed and get a good night’s res—*sigh* I forgot that my upstairs neighbour
snored like an air-raid siren.
That’s what brought me in front of my laptop trying to drown
out the noise with Songs for an empty world on YouTube. Ambient music has always helped me focus
on my work, so maybe it will help me focus on sleep? Instead, I spent the next
three hours scrolling through Facebook, trying to figure out what the new Meta
was. Posts upon posts of the Ukraine/Russia Conflict, watered-down science
articles about how a star isn’t actually a star, and various Tumblr memes from
the 2010s. I was going to give up and stuff my ears with cotton balls to try
and sleep when a message box popped up on the bottom-right-hand corner of my
screen.
It was from an old classmate from Uni.
Old Classmate: Hey! Weird to see u up at this hour lol
I remember him, he did his share of the work on time, and he was funny and kind and not offensive to the eyes. This definitely isn’t the best time for me to reply to him.
Old Classmate: Oh no :’( is everything ok?
Me: yeah, I’m fine. Just a bit tired ig lol
The conversation promptly ended with awkward sympathy and “good
nights” and me closing my laptop in shame. The ambient music cut off and I
could make out a faint French horn sound through my in-ear earbuds. Burying my
face in my hands, I wondered if I should have divulged a little more
information. Enough for him to know of my situation but not emotionally dump on
him. Would that have left him with enough intrigue to pursue the conversation
further?
I tried it out for size in my head:
Me: yeah lol, I had this lousy date with this guy who was stuck back in the 1800s. I bet you could have done a lot better in his place lol!
Yikes. Maybe not.
5:10 am
My alarm blared. I barely registered it in the back of my mind,
and I felt a dull ache in the crook of my neck when I squirmed in my
half-asleep half-awake state. I managed to come to my senses when my neighbour
upstairs banged on his floor telling me to knock off that sound. I reached over
to my bedside table as my fingers fumbled for the smooth surface of my phone
screen.
The dull ache became a sharp pain when I looked over to
guide my fingers. Looks like I slept in a “child’s pose” position; one of my
earbuds was lost in my sheets and the other was hanging on for dear life.
“Why does he have to wake up this bloody early?” I heard my
neighbour through my ceiling. I still have never met him, and I try to be as
quiet as possible, so he doesn’t find out that I’m a woman living alone. I also
wake up this early because I like having time to get ready before heading to
work. Although that day was a Saturday, and I didn’t really have anything else
to do except nurse this pinch in my neck.
I was awake anyway; I might as well start the day off by
putting my electronics on charge and sitting on the toilet for about an hour
trying to have a bowel movement. I ended up giving up because it was too early
in the day. Giving up meant brushing my teeth and contemplating whether I
should have breakfast now or when I’m hungry; I never understood why people eat
their first meal of the day with a dirty mouth. Maybe the orange juice tastes
better, but I never felt the need to drink juice first thing in the morning.
I opted for a morning yoga sesh; maybe that will help ease
the pain in my neck. I hadn’t done yoga in a while. I gave up on last year’s 30
Day Yoga Journey with Yoga With Adriene when life became hectic and I fell
into one of my “moods”. I thought I might try it again—maybe I won’t give up on
it this time around. And would you look at that, she made a new
30 Day Yoga Journey so it wouldn’t be cheating if I start this one instead.
I planned on thinking of it as a fresh start.
I chucked day 1 on my TV and put the volume as high as I dared and started today’s
practice. It was slow but fast-paced at the same time, and honestly, kind of a
challenge with the right side of my body being as stiff as a board (and in pain).
After that, I ate breakfast—four slices of simple avocado on
toast and then half a roll of golden Oreos—then had a successful bowel
movement. I remember thinking to myself I’m ok. Then I looked in the
mirror and thought I need to clean up my eyebrows.
The evening arrived with a storm.
I wasn’t planning on going
out anywhere anyway, so it was a great time to hop back onto my laptop and do
some lurking. I opened LinkedIn to see where my three connections were in their
professional life. I noticed two of them found a different job, and one of them
had graduated their master’s degree. I felt my chest tighten a little as I pretended to be happy for them. Who am I to be jealous when I'm stuck
in a dead-end job, have no love life, am moderately educated, and have bushy eyebrows? Why
was I struggling to get to a place where I’m happy? Or is there no satisfaction
in this capitalist-run economy, where we as individuals are forced to flail
around like fish out of water trying to keep a paying job while struggling to
balance said job with our life?
Like I said to my old classmate last night, I’m tired. And I
think I didn’t realise that until it became a problem.
I don’t think hopping on Facebook would help resolve that
issue either—50 Stories That You Won’t Believe Are Actually True.
I. Want. To. Know.
Just as I was about to click the article, a message box
popped up on the bottom right-hand corner of my screen. It was another message
from my old classmate.
Wait, is this guy actually human? How is he so mature? I
should really think this through before replying to him. I’ve got to make sure
that I don’t emotionally dump on him.
Was that detached enough without sounding pitiful? Three dots appeared and disappeared for about a
minute (maybe it wasn't) before a message popped through.
I let out a breath I didn’t know I was keeping in. Was he asking me out? Was he lying about having a tough week? Or is this a cover-up for showing an ounce of vulnerability? I know I’m lonely, but I don’t think I’m that desperate. I saw another three dots appear, but this time I got another message almost immediately.
I want to say that I was stronger; that I didn’t crave human connection. But that would be a lie. I want to say that I responded too, but that would also be a lie.
As I sat in darkness, the only things lighting up my room was
my laptop screen and the periodic lightning from the sky outside, a single thought
ran through my head: I’ll be ok; I’ll just send it when the power comes back
on.
Hello. This was all made up except for the Songs for an
empty world, Yoga with Adrienne, and Facebook clickbait bits. With this post I wanted to explore
the differences between the phrases I’m fine, I’m ok, and I’ll
be ok (though that was the initial idea, there's probably more to it).
This post is getting quite long though, so I will write a short part two explaining my thought process and any nuances that I failed
to illustrate effectively.
So, to reiterate, this was purely a work of fiction. Please don’t take it as fact, and I hope you enjoy it whether at face value or with a deeper analysis.
Have a beautiful day :)
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